only you can make a difference darling

ok more ship bullshit.

i'm starting to not care as much that people ship shadaria/shadria because whatever. age her up if you must. but i have some... opinions about why i personally don't really ship it myself.

( ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و With the dope in you and the dagger in me, invader )

anyways, just because the creators of something personally ship a pairing outside of the source material, it doesn't mean i have to ship it. even if it's meant to be canonically romantic either, that still doesn't matter to me. there's plenty of canon ships in media i dont give a fuck about. am i supposed to just because it's canon? anyways........................ all this to say i don't personally ship it romantically. in fact, to me, shadow and maria have a "love" that is beyond labels. neither platonic nor romantic. a secret third thing.

i got my main twitter account back after over a YEAR of spamming support tickets n shit like that. kinda overstimulated about which account to prioritise now. i'm afraid to do anything least i lose the account again. SOBBING. i have a friend i can't talk to publicly because i softblocked their annoying ass plain bread bitch friend 9 years ago for being a boring annoying ass plain bread bitch and she been mad at me for nearly a decade since. she's also just jealous i'll take this friend from her. the last time we called was last january to watch monster. i literally can't finish this anime without them because i watched 40 eps with them. i can't NOT watch it without them. i didn't even know she hated me so much back then. i forgot like... whatever inciting incident caused me to softblock her so long ago. i just didn't care about her, like. at all? and i was willing to be friends with her again since i was back on good terms with my friend after also almost a decade of us not talking because of past drama.

after that past january i get fucking suspended on twitter, i make a new account and then we started interacting less and less and i noticed my friend was hesitant to RT me anymore on our public accounts and i was starting to feel weird about it. we talked less in DMs too. and then i saw them RT this friend. i go to her profile. i am blocked. oh. i see what's happening now. we talk and i learn yeah this friend is making it difficult for them to interact with me because everytime she sees my name, she gets all bitchy and guilt trippy and makes my friend feel like shit. we agree that they'll talk to this friend.

after basically months of nothing and their anxiety to be honest with this friend about being MY friend and being treated like some dirty secret, i softblock all their accounts from mine and remove them from discord. they notice, message me saying this isn't what they want. we remain friends on discord and because twitter likes are private now, we can privately like each others tweets. this is the most retarded situation i've ever been in i think. i go back in fourth mentally like, yeah, well, who would choose me over a better friend anyway. but that friend is such a manipulative cunt?? what's the point? what do they see in her? what do they see in me. whatever.

right now we're in this weird limbo state of only once every couple of months. we haven't had a real genuine interaction since last fucking january.

but i got my twitter account back. which means i have ALL of their accounts following it again. in fact, they were the first to message me like HEY YOUR ACCOUNTS BACK and i was like HUH? they liked my tweets about it but i'm hesitant to interact with them again because??? their friend is a fucking bitch. now we're in an even weirder limbo state because at least by having all their accounts softblocked, their possessive ass friend can't bother them like "OMG WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO THAT GUY. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D LOWER INTERACTION?" <real thing she said btw. so now i'm like. what do we do? lol. if she sees i'm back and we're following each other she could become a major bitch but also both of us have been hoping she'll notice something over the time and bring it up herself which will open the conversation finally. but i need my friend to be stronger. nobody should be guilt tripped for being friends with someone your other friend doesn't like. we're all in our 30s. what the hell is this high school ass shit???

anyway, i fell asleep on call with kazu after movie night and had a weird dream about my friend and there was some arte contest in this class we were in and we couldn't talk at all because real life bled into the dream. we passed each other in the hall and i hugged her really tight and then we parted ways. i remember the teacher in the dream staring like whatever bro.

it kinda reminded me of this dream A once had of us. this was way back in fuckin... 2011?? lmao. he still remembers it too and the times we've talked (not ever again tho...) he's brought it up. in his dream we were like i dunno high schoolers or smth and he had a long day or smth and i was there and we just hung out and hugged and stared at the sky like anime type shit. i think about that dream too sometimes. it always felt to me like a "this is meant to be" kinda dream. i have a few ppl in my life where i'm like "we will probably never ever talk again but these people are so impactful to my life in a way i can't describe, that it's fate maybe." red string type shit. i love red string of theory bcus maybe i'm secretly a romantic idk. i love fated connections. reminds when this artiste drew this one sonadow piece and they cut the red string and the text was "let those who defy their fate be granted glory". and sonic and shadow are cheering with the red string on their pinkies cut with scissors. that artework hits me in a way that artiste will literally never know or care to know. it makes me feel all emotional because i love the fated bond between sonic and shadow. is their connection MORE meaningful if it wasn't fate but simply their intrinsic forces instead? i dunno. it makes me feel certain things. but yeah. A is one of those people where i'm like. we will probably never talk again bcus he's such a broken asshole, but he is in my heart and is one of those "the one" type of people to me. i wouldn't feel this way if we never dated too. sighs. that's also my weird bond with this friend i'm having issues with.

we dated once. years ago. it was weird. they definitely remember it though. i thought they'd forgotten since it was kinda cringey haha. so they're also one of my fated "the one" type. i think i love them? in love? i dunno. our interactions are too weird now to parse. for the years we didn't talk though, i never once hated them for how they treated me. i even showed them all my priv tweets about them once because the only bad thing i said was "yeah they were kinda nuts for what they did but i miss them terribly". SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. stupid gay heart. damn dreams. i dunno what we're gonna do now. just wait for friend to notice ? idk. i'm too hesitant to interact with them haha but also because i'm afraid to do ANYTHING on that damn account least i get sus'd again. ugh.

what must i do.................

anyway here's a post abt corpse party shipping. i don't even hate kizashige. i still like it. BUT i hate how OTHERS ship it. like, it's not some romance tragic distant lover forbidden romance type shit. that's LITERALLY shigemayu. the fun of the ship is that kizami is CANONICALLY obsessed with morishige, meanwhile morishige doesn't give 2 shits about kizami. he's done with his bullshit. kizami is convinced they're "cut from the same cloth", but the truth for morishige's feelings couldn't be farther.




these are from the ACTUAL ship charts released by grisgris/grindhouse.
i like kizashige were kizami is morishige's delusional, clingy stalker and mayu has to keep trying to protect him from the garbage.
i also really like kurozami, kurosaki's character song is incredibly gay and i like to imagine him pining for kizami meanwhile (imagining they all escape tenjin alive), kizami is obsessed with morishige. i want them to destroy each other other. but i couldn't never actually say any of this on socmed because nobody would understand. my friend definitely wouldn't understand because, ofc, they hate all things kizashige but nobody is shipping it how it SHOULD be shipped. it's not a romance. it's a comedy. LMAO. sometimes i wanna draw kizashige still but MY vision of it, not the dumb losers on twitter who don't even ship it right. it would be instantly misunderstood. i hate idiots. also my friend might misunderstand but i don't think it really matters cus they don't care about me that much anyway or else they'd be strong and tell their friend that WE'RE friends and make them fuck off, BUT ANYWAY. I CAN'T CHANGE HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. KIZASHIGE IS FUN WHEN IT'S MY VISION. EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS. i like kizami.

made the mistake of stalking thru profiles and finding an old friend i hurt very very badly and thot hate maybe i can apologise or smth and oh no . theyre dating someone and happy. they should never remember me ever again. i feel so heartbroken for something that happened 14 years ago.

you know what's funny a lot of my ex-friends will say i was hitler but they never experienced what i put this person through and these assholes keep trying to message me despite me being oh so evil, but them? never once tried to message me ever again.

im so sad. im really so sad. i missed them the most of anyone. i knew i cant be around them just looking at their profiles old feelings resurfaced and it made me sad and angry.